My good friend Dave Bekerman recently made me a metal mix-cd called “TYLER WANTS SOME HEAVINESS.” I asked him for the heaviest shit metal could muster, and promised him a qwesi.com review in return. He did not disappoint, and neither shall I.
1. The Dillenger Escape Plan - “When Good Dogs Do Bad Things”
This one would be far better without vocals, except for the low rumbly repetitive ones about 1 minute in. Without them, they sound like a group of professional, well-practiced, on-the-dot musicians doing their thing and succeeding. With the vocals they sound like a group of professional, well-practiced, on-the-dot musicians doing their thing with an obnoxious college girl’s un-showered fantasy man expressing himself inappropriately on top of it - which I guess is alright.
2. Mayhem - “In The Lies Where Upon You Lay”
Really, metal? This is what you’ve got? Because to say it’s totally not heavy enough would be an understatement of criminal proportions. This is theatrically heavy. Nothing about it frightens me, and everything sounds like it was recorded in guitar center by guitar center employees (nice Yamaha keyboard stock-sound drum reverb, guys). I wouldn’t listen to this one again.
3. Pantera - “Suicide Note Pt. II”
This one is rad. Good musicians, well-executed. They really play together effectively, though the song didn’t need to be 4:20… or was that on purpose? If it was, I like the song less.
4. Celtic Frost - “A Dying God Coming into Human Flesh”
Ah, this one thickens everything up nicely. Ooh… texture in metal… metal textures - can you even see my mustache? This one is certainly adequately heavy, once it gets over its feminine oracle-self intro, and I’m really glad he’s talking about doing something-or-other to human flesh.
5. Mastodon - “March of the Fire Ants”
This is some good metal!! It reminds me of the time my family was at my grandmother’s house in Massachusetts - we had just arrived from the airport, and she had made some food for us at her house. One of the dishes was… wait a minute… this instrumental jam starting around 2:30 blows! Boo self-serious guy-rock to it’s core… anyway, one of the dishes was tuna salad, but at the time my parents, sister and I all thought it was chicken salad, and we didn’t find out until days later that it was tuna salad. We all had quite a laugh.
6. Exit-13 - “Societally Provoked Genocidal Contemplation”
This one wins heaviest guitar tone so far, but it also leaves me wondering when it was recorded. My guess is early-mid 90’s at the latest. Boy, drum recording sure has gotten badasser since then. Also, why can’t I understand anything the singers on this mix are saying? Oh no… just before 3:00 in they had to go break it down all college-jam style… thereby ruining the song and any respect I had for them. Seriously, if they had just ended this one before this unfortunate occurrence I would be raving about this song. Then again, if I hadn’t shaved my mustache then it would still be on my face.
7. Sigh - “Inked in Blood”
Is this one of those metal bands with a keyboard player? Is that acceptable to hardcore metal heads? Or are those real string sounds? Is that acceptable to the aforementioned metal heads? Anyway, this track is totally unabashed - no wanky dorm room jams here, just a solid asskicking from start to finish. Way to go these guys - I will definitely listen to this one next time I need to annihilate some shit.
8. Slayer - “Necrophobic”
I can always get behind a song that’s 1:40 and features 2-3 tempo changes, singing that doesn’t make me embarrassed for the singer and a shreddy guitar solo. Good choice here, Dave, though the title confuses me - how is Slayer necrophobic? Granted, I can’t understand what he is saying, and I didn’t go to alllyrics.com to look it up, so maybe he’s poking fun at the necrophobic n00bz of the world. I hope that’s what they’re doing, anyway.
9. Strapping Young Lad - “Happy Camper (Carpe B.U.M.)”
This one rages fantastically - Strapping Young Lad indeed!
10. Austrian Death Machine - “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers”
I think this might be my favorite one. Maybe. It’s hard choose, but it’s also hard to bet against “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.” I especially like how his hellgrumble about 1:50 in sounds like the sound that comes out of the burp-catching machine in Pete & Pete when one of the Petes burps in the wrong tube. This one might win best band name/song title combo if I wasn’t feeling so damn non-commital right now.
11. Macabre - “Vampire of Dusseldorf”
Ah, what a wonderful winding tale! That vampire of Dusseldorf must surely have only the best intentions for our impending encounter! Surely he won’t slit my throat, strangle me, drink my blood or anything like that….
12. Death - “Flesh and the Power it Holds”
Man, I really hate faux-complex music. Faux-complex rhythm, especially, meaning this one starts off on the wrong foot. Also, was this vocal part inserted for comedic purposes, or is it supposed to sound scary/intense? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t seek to mindlessly rip on stuff, especially music, but the only redeeming part of this song comes at 5:24, when they all stop playing for a couple seconds. Sheesh! Who thinks an audience wants to her 8:24 of this?
13. Dissection - “Night’s Blood”
What differentiates this track from that last piece of oldmanshit is that it doesn’t try to do anything too complicated - they don’t insert complicated-sounding bullshit, and they don’t try to fool anybody into thinking they’re better than they are, which I, as a listener and creator, totally appreciate. It also sounds like it was recorded at The Smell, which I appreciate, though I wouldn’t have made this song any longer than 3 minutes.
14. General Surgery - “Crimson Concerto”
This is definitely more of what I’m looking for out of Metal in general. Nothing too fancy here - just some straight ahead rocking done by dudes probably wearing leather or some other animal (human?) skins. I also dig the lo-fi quality to the whole thing, as well as the weird, semi-dissonant Slash’s retarded nephew guitar solo towards the end, along with the pitched-down evil monster vocals that come in and out. I approve, and I also really, really like their band name.
15. Acid Bath - “Cheap Vodka”
Another good one here for many of the same reasons listed about the previous track. The only thing I would change would be to remove the Vedder-esque vocals starting at 1:30. Thank goodness (or thank evil?) the real Acid Bath singer returns just in time for the song to end.
16. Carcass - “This Mortal Coil”
I like this one too. It sounds like the typical riffs that all metalgods-in-training continuously fuck up while shredding at guitar center, except for the fact that Carcass created these and is executing them flawlessly, in a way about which I, mr. uberbiasedagainstguitarcenterandthepeoplewhomaketerriblemusicwithinitswalls, cannot complain.
Alright Dave, I kinda like metal now. I don’t love it, but I think that if I was ever going to love it I would have started somewhere around age 12, which I didn’t. I was too busy listening to jazz at that time. Thanks for the mix! Though you forgot to include “Blame it” by Jamie Foxxxxxx and T(yler)-Pain.