“Yeah? Well I’ve got a picture of you naked and it doesn’t look that good either. In fact, you look kinda like Jenny McCarthy in it. Gross! …But, you do have whomp that sucker. I just can’t break up with you. This is what I’d say to my girlfriend if I were thinking of breaking up with her. Then I wouldn’t. Why is it that all girls are so awesome when they listen to this record? What!? Oh yeah I forgot, I’m mostly gay.”
I heard this gay guy saying this to his gay friend at Amoeba so of course I got the record. At first I was really embarrassed to play it around my friends, for fear that they would think I was gay -because I’m not- but sure enough they wanted to kiss me more and more when it was on. I was all, “I love Sparks!” between kisses. “They’re really cute, and they have a mustache…” said Geoff with his hand in Tyler’s crotch. When the A-side finished, we were all sweaty and naked from humping alot. And Alex wasn’t even home yet! Do I have to talk about the record I’m reviewing? Can you even see my mustache?
Do fat sorority girls get fit and cocky listening to Sparks? Yes! This and other debatably gay aphorisms are the ones you will utter upon listening to sparks. But really, I actually won’t care what you think: you probably like girls. and if you are one of those horse-faced pagans, then get them whomp that sucker and they’ll probably like you too.

ps. if there are girls who like girls reading this, don’t.
-duncan